Dec 15, 2012

Who let the Jerks out?

This is a re-post. Original post can be found here- Insane IITians.

This blog post is the blogger's imagination. Any resemblance to any other real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. This supersedes all previous notices.

The Rowdy Keralite:

Rowdy was born in Kannur district of Kerala. Since his childhood, he has taken great joy in irritating others. He would steal the lunch boxes of his friends in school, and then laugh at their bewildered faces! Once it so happened that he did the same to a new boy, who, in turn, hit him so hard that he changed his life forever. Since that fateful incident, he has been wearing a plastic nose to hide his true deformed face.

As a child, (un)fortunately, all his teachers were abusive. They were sarcastic bastards, which changed Rowdy altogether. Rowdy became insensitive to his surroundings and his fellow human beings, losing the sense of humility and empathy altogether.

The greatest disappointment in his life is his inability to get in IIM Kozhikode, which was almost next door for him. He then wanted to be a physician, but he was deemed physically unfit for the same. He then turned his attention to the subject Sheldon Cooper hates the most.

Greatly influenced by Indiana Jones, he started his expeditions in state of Rajasthan. His explorations led him through the desert and once he reached the temperate regions, he proclaimed himself successful! Taking great pride in his fairness, he fondly calls his people 'black', forgetting that he has already landed in prison thrice for the offense.

He then decided to turn into a teacher, in the hopes of turning innocent minds into sarcastic-emotionless-blood-sucking-vampire-zombies, and joined a deemed university. To hide his true face, he started wearing big glasses on top of the aforementioned plastic nose.

His daughter is a doctor, working in the clinic nearby. However, he takes great pride in her, and remains in the illusion that she is a part of AIIMS. As if that was not enough, he mentions it ten times a minute, making you want to burn your ears!

During his exploration of Afghanistan, his breakfast, lunch and dinner were the same- kebabs! He is in so much love with Kebabs he says-
If you gimme a choice of picking one among a million dollars and a meal of kebabs, I would choose the kebabs blindly.
(Such a wise ass! Someone tell him how many kebabs can be bought with a million dollars, as his math is not so average)

During his lectures, he makes the students take more classes than himself. This is to ensure that his inefficiency in the subject is not exposed, much like Gilderoy Lockhart, he takes important steps like talking in a language which makes even the most knowledgeable think twice. As such, anything that he doesn't understand is termed 'high level'- be it advanced sarcasm, or something as simple as arithmetic addition.

The most unbelievable thing about Rowdy is his affinity for the opposite gender. If you want a good grade and you are a guy, the only thing left for you to do is a sex change. Otherwise, you can kiss your progress in his subject(s) goodbye.

Any Jerk:

Any has always been a kind hearted person, it's just that he is too weak. He completed his education in vernacular medium, and ended up learning English late in his life, but imperfectly. Other details about his life are not so known, as he is apparently from a family under witness protection. Rumor mill has it that he witnessed a brutal killing by serial killer Theodore T-Bag Bagwell, and ended up in witness protection after testifying against T-Bag.

Any then started his great explorations. He greatly believes in traditional methods which are mostly outdated. Because of his contributions to Science, which had already been proved centuries in the past, he was offered a professorship at MIT (Moron Institute of Technology), and he definitely jumped at the opportunity!

Now, here's the catch. As mentioned earlier, he loves his mother tongue. However, the medium of instruction at MIT is English. To win him over, you need to write imperfect English, or else, well, the less said the better. It also happens that he is unable to understand the issues of his class because of the language barrier. He once brought all his exploration equipment inside the mini-classroom just because he couldn't understand what Sher Dil was asking about!

Once, it so happened that Sher Dil went to get a recommendation letter from Any. Although Any was teaching him a course on his outdated methods, he refused to recognize Sher saying he was trying to impersonate someone. However, it turns out that he did so because he did not want to type out a letter, and Sher Dil did not have a format prepared for the same.

Big Eyes:

Big Eyes is perhaps the scarily craziest person in the vicinity of MIT. He has a perfectly spherical head, and a cylindrical torso. The only fact known about Big Eyes is that he sets fire to every place he sets his foot upon, making him largely untraceable!

Big has always been the bad-ass dude, and rightly so. With the strength of an ostrich, he is famous for his shit studies, literally. He analyses animal shit- yes, holy sh!t indeed. Big follows a protocol when collecting his sample. He uses modern technology to track the animals down- sophisticated instruments important from far-off lands. Big Eyes then battles fierce animals ranging from rabbits to deers, and forces them to shit their pants. And then Big gives out his scream of victory, pissing over the area to mark the boundary of his dominance.

Big has a scar on his face, not from just any animal, but the Duckbilled Platypus. During an Aussie trip, he was left hungry after his food supplies were stolen by a kangaroo, he tried (unsuccessfully) to steal the eggs of a Platypus. When Big was caught red handed, he tried to make a fierce (and might I add, making his face even rounder) expression to divert the attention of the Platypus. The angry Platypus, in no mood for amusing gestures, flung at Big with all its might, forcing him to spit out the eggs he had tried to steal!

Big has always been the opportunist- rising at the cost of others at every possible chance he got. Over the course of his opportunist days, he has made more enemies than friends, and weirdly enough, he takes great pride in the fact!

There have also been attempts on his life- fifteen to be exact. The closest someone could get was a certain Mr Scornful Student. Scornful utilized Big's weakness and sent him muffins, poisoned ones. Big, the glutton that he is, ate all of them at one go. However, Big was left hungry and went on to eat more. The food that he stuffed inside him was so much that it diluted the poison to such an extent that it was just enough to give Big loose motions. It is rumored that Big then confronted Scornful, and he was never heard from ever again.

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