May 17, 2013

The Formidable Five- and what remains at the end

WeChat with Anyone, Anywhere - WinnerThis post was one of the winning entries in IndiBlogger's #WeChatNow contest, bagging a Samsumg Galaxy S4.

WeChat asked me who would be the five people I would want to connect with if I could play God, and here is my list. (The people could be dead, alive or even fictional)

There are certain things that I like. I am geek, who loves to read. I have been a lifelong Chelsea fan, which explains my interest in Football. I love music too, and I hate it when someone comments on my taste. Apart from that, I have a spiritual side as well. The people that I have chosen here represent my different varied interests at some level. I hope you enjoy reading about them!

P.S. Don't forget to go all the way down to read the actual conversation...

5. Sheldon Cooper (Fictional Character, The Big Bang Theory):

"Dr Sheldon Lee Cooper, PhD"- that's the way he likes his name- has has perhaps the highest IQ in a TV show. Being the extreme portrayal of a geek, lacking of social skills, and possessing a weird perception of sarcasm and humour, he thinks of the people near him as inferiors. He also shows highly insufficient empathy. Not so surprisingly, he has an opinion on everything, because of high reasoning and logical power. The usual practical joke also ends with a Bazinga! Here's one of his quotes.
I don't need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas, squatteth the toad of truth!
However, my favourite Sheldon video is the one where he explains the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard -Spock! Without a doubt, this nerd would be on my list!

Sheldon is generally a very chatty fellow and could offer his insight on topics ranging from flags (considering his podcasts on 'Fun with Flags') to something as complex as String Theory. As he has an opinion on almost everything, it would be fun talking to him as he steers the conversation his own way (and reminds me not to take his seat).

4. Axl Rose(Vocalist, Guns N' Roses):

In December 2012, when he toured India with the new Guns N' Roses, just a fraction of the legacy remained. At his peak, he could sing the most beautiful melodies with a really broad range, he had no match! Such is the legacy of Guns N' Roses that in the mid 80s, they released a nine minute ballad (November Rain), with perhaps one of the perfect guitar solos by Slash and still managed to get huge success with the song! Ranked 64 in the list of 100 Greatest Singers by Rolling Stone, Rose did the unthinkable- he brought cracks in what could have been the best metal band of all time! Popular for his antics on stage, once during he a concert, he jumped into the crowd to confiscate a video camera, came back on stage, and announced,
Thanks to the lame-ass security, I am going home!
Here is a video of him diving into the crowd:

As if that was not enough, a year later, during a collaboration with Metallica, he complained of voice problems during the concert, and told the audience "Thank you, your money will be refunded" and walked off stage, sparking one of the biggest riots the music industry has ever seen!

I would like Axl Rose to feed on a piece of my mind (considering he usually rejects interviews). I would want to ask him why he chose money over what could have been something far great. I would ask him why he wrote an open letter rejecting a Guns N' Roses reunion! I guess he wouldn't have an answer.

3. Sir Isaac Asimov (Author, 1920-1992):

A brilliant visionary and a professor of biochemistry, Sir Isaac Asimov shot to fame with his writings on science fiction, the Foundation and Robot series in particular. He wrote hundreds of books in his lifetime (here is a list of about five hundred). He was so knowledgable that he would write eight hours a day for seven days a week! He had no religious beliefs- he did not believe in God or an afterlife. He considered himself a Humanist, one who believes that humans are responsible for all of the problems of society, as well as the great achievements throughout history. It is funny to note that he had a fear of flying, in spite of writing about spaceships! A highly accurate futurist, he predicted the internet some twenty years ago! A simple chat with him could be highly enlightening! It would be an honour to even talk to such a knowledgeable person! I would ask him what he would have blogged about had he been in the 21st century.

Have a look at  the video of the aforementioned interview.

2. Roman Abramovich (Owner, Chelsea Football Club):

You either love or you hate him- but you have got to give him the attention he wants. The Russian oil tycoon, with a worth of over $ 8 billion, took over Chelsea FC from Ken Bates in 2003, and changed it into a fierce team- with the ultimate target of winning the Champions League being fulfilled last year. Known for his itch to sack managers, he has his fare share of haters- however, he still decides to remain the quiet billionaire owner who politely refuses interviews. He makes my list because I feel indebted to him- Football wouldn't have been the same for me had he not taken over Chelsea and turned it into his hobby!

Here is a video capturing Abramovich's reaction after Chelsea won the Champions League in 2012, and a second one of the then Chelsea manager Di Matteo telling him, "We won it!"

Although I have a lot of praises for him, I would still ask him why he is so trigger happy. Or perhaps, it's possible that the media has portrayed a very wrong picture of him (since he never goes for any interviews!) It would be one doubt that is worth getting cleared.

1. Swami Vivekananda (Indian Monk, 1864-1902):

The only Indian representative at the Parliament of the World's Religions in Chicago, he is the one who truly introduced the world to the Hindu religion. A spiritual and more polished version of his guru, the famous mystic Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, Vivekananda influenced the masses to such an extent that it is believed modern Hindus derive their knowledge of Hinduism from Vivekananda. He was a powerful orator and a vivid writer, both in English and Bengali. He was a singer, and a poet- and he preached his ideas through his writings. He believed that words—spoken or written—should be for making things easier to understand rather than show off the speaker or writer's knowledge- something that I take great inspiration from. If I ever had a chance, he would be the one I would like to know!

To conclude, here is a small snippet of Vivekananda's speech from the Parliament of the World's Religions. Notice how each word produces a divine sense of feeling.

There is perhaps nothing that I could ask him- because of his divine nature, he would probably guess what is troubling me and solve my issues with his blessings without even uttering a single word.

Let the chat begin:

I call upon our very own Arnab Goswami, editor in chief of Times Now, to mediate this pentagonal discussion by summoning these great personalities. (Read this conversation out in the voices of Arnab and Sheldon to really enjoy it)

Arnab: Welcome gentlemen, to my chat room tonight. We would-

Me: Hey, this is my chat room.

Arnab: Please speak when you are spoken to Mr Shaumik. Let me complete my sentence first. Anyways, my apologies to you all. Tonight, we shall discuss on the biggest issue in the nation today- the IPL spot fixing. We would try to find out reasons why the youth of the nation indulges in unethical, unfair, shady business!

We have a very distinguished panel tonight. Dr Sheldon Cooper, a theoretical physicist from Caltech, Axl Rose from the band Guns N Roses, Roman Abramovich, owner of Chelsea football club, Sir Isaac Asimov, distinguished writer and Swami Vivekananda, Ramdev's adversary. Last and certainly the least, Mr Shaumik Daityari, owner of a crappy blog boasting of almost a million hits and representing the youth.

My first question is to Mr Shaumik. What, in your opinion, is making the youth do such things?
Me: See Arnab, the main thing is that we have little jobs in this world. Being a Geology student, I can-

Arnab: By the way, did you know that in Assamese, Arnab is pronounced differently? Do you mean to say that after living your whole life in Assam, you don't know a bit of its pronunciation?

Sheldon: There is your problem. No one respects you rock worshiping dirt people. Do you know what's interesting about caves, Shaumik?

Me: What?

Sheldon: Bazinga! It's Nothing! Nothing is interesting about caves. Geology isn't even a Science.

Arnab: Let's not deviate from the point here, gentlemen. We owe it to the world to come up with a conclusion tonight. My next question to Mr Roman. Why do you think such things don't usually happen in Football?

Roman: Money, Arnab, money speaks! My £50 million poodle Ternando Forres earns more than the whole  Rajasthan Royals squad! Sheldon here may talk about Geologists, but they are paid really well.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Mr Roman. What do you even know about me? I work on finding answers about the very origins of humankind!

Roman: And earn peanuts in the process.

Sheldon: I don't earn peanuts. I earn money. I can buy a lot of peanuts with that money.

Me: He meant it sarcastically, Sheldon.

Image received from Sheldon Cooper (click to enlarge)

Me: Hey Sheldon, are you really hoping that your eyes will emit laser beams? Are you crazy?

Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.

Arnab: Shedon, Sheldon, Sheldon. Roman, Shaumik. Stop it. Let's not deviate from the topic! Let's bring Axl Rose into the conversation here. What do you think we can do to curb such situations?

Axl: That's an easy question. Lock them up and unleash Justin Bieber's songs. Their mental situation would degrade beyond repair. You know it's not a coincidence that Kurt Cobain shot himself just a month after Bieber was born.

Arnab: That's okay Axl, but the matter does not end there. What about his millions of Bieber fans. Aren't you afraid of their wrath once they get to know this?

Axl: Huh. I dismantled the greatest rock band ever, I started the greatest riots, I don't fear anyone.

Arnab: And you take pride in that? Let me come back to you later. My next question to Swami Vivekananda. Swamiji, what are your views on the situation?

Vivekananda: When I asked God for wealth, he showed me how to work hard. God gave me nothing I wanted, but he gave me everything I needed.

Arnab: Well said, Swamiji. But what message do you have for the youth?

Vivekananda: The fire that warms us can also consume us; it is not the fault of the fire. We should not be submissive towards these earthly pleasures.

Arnab: My next question to -

Axl: This is so boring. I would rather invite Slash back to-

Arnab: Axl. Axl. Axl. AXL. Wait. Axl. I will come back to you and your dented & painted band. My next question for Sir Isaac Asimov. Do you think the modern day developments have a hand in such activities?

Asimov: The saddest aspect of life right now is that Science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. The ones who are not smart enough, will get dragged into the vicious cycle.

Axl: Arnab, why are we talking about this topic? Shouldn't we be talking about how unsafe your country has become?

Me: It is for people like you that India is such an unsafe country. How much of security do you require when there is an alarming lack of manpower in the police force? And then, you still complain that your security is lame ass...

Arnab: There are even bigger issues at stake here- not just the safety of women, put those of the homeless too. Think of the Stonemen murders...

Axl throws his cell away.

Axl: Thanks to the lame ass application, I am going home.

Axl Rose has left the conversation.

Asimov: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. I wonder why you even called Axl Rose.

Sheldom: Who needs Axl? Me and Penny can sing better than him!
♫ Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur ♫

Sheldon sent a video.

Arnab: This is my show. I ask the questions and you give me the answers. No one else would interrupt. I will get my answers tonight. Enough said, India has to answer a very important question today.

Roman: I am sorry. I have a meeting to attend. Mourinho is breathing down my neck for funds to bring in The Hulk (not Bruce Banner).

Roman Abramovich has left the conversation.

Vivekananda: They alone live, who live for others. Permit me to leave.

Arnab: You can't, Swamiji. We need answers. I won't let you leave! Your spirituality can provide us with more than we can ever imagine! Do you-

Vivekanada has left the conversation.

Navjot Singh Sidhu has joined the conversation.

Me: Hey, you didn't have an invite, how did you pop up?

Sindhu: One who does not throw a dice can never expect to score a six! Thank you for welcoming me into your group. BTW, I used the WeChat shake feature and found you guys were nearby ;) I couldn't resist joining the discussion...

Arnab: Now that you have arrived Sherry paji, what are your views on the spot fixing?

Sidhu: After marriage, the other man's wife looks more beautiful. Naturally, after you start the season, you think that there can be more money! But beware of the naked man who offers you his shirt... We are all Adam's children, it's just the skin that makes all the difference.

Asimov: Anything that makes weak- physically, spiritually or intellectually- reject it as poison. This conversation is doing the same to me. Toodles.

Isaac Asimov has left the conversation.

Sheldon: Huh. They had such high self prestige. Who needs them? Let's play a game of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock. Scissors cut paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Me: You always choose Spock, Sheldon.

Sidhu: Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm!

Arnab: I will not have you destroy my show. We shall find answers tonight. IPL 6 has been overshadowed by controversies. Above all, Srinivasan refuses to step down. What have the people become? Is there no self respect? The nation has -

*Yawns* Shaumik Daityari has left the conversation.

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