Sep 29, 2012

Ramblings of a Stupid Idiot

Note: I have encountered many stupid people in my life. This is just a satirical piece of all those thoughts that have made me laugh at them!

This blog post is the blogger's imagination loosely inspired by some of his experiences over the past few years. Any resemblance to any other real persons, living, in coma or dead is purely coincidental. This supersedes all previous notices (even the note above).

I am awesome, and I know it. In fact, I am jealous of the fact!

As I child, my parents always said I was perfect. Being from the Army background, I had to follow a strict routine. Get up at 4, when all other children would be fast asleep. Eat a balanced diet, with absolutely no junk food in my growing stage, I was trained to be perfect. I was good in academics. I got 95% in boards, but that was far below the 98% I had expected. My parents were so disheartened that they gave me only a Blackberry. I couldn't get that iPhone I wanted... So close.

Apart from my academic excellence, I was very good in extra curriculars. I play the guitar so well that I could make Jimmy Page shy! Justin Bieber is my idol though. His songs are way better than everything else combined. You should totally listen to him.

I love football so much! I supported Manchester City but now I like P$G more. They have so much money; and they are ready to spend it. They will totally buy every good footballer. Ibrahimovic is just the best!

Oh, I forgot to tell you the most interesting part of my academic life! I cleared JEE and what's more, I was AIR 1. But I overslept and missed the counseling, and hence, missed the seat as well! How stupid of me, right? The next year, I gave JEE again, cleared it, got AIR 7 (bite me!), and then as I was so sad because of my poor performance, I took up Geology. It's a great discipline though, even though, to a layman, it would seem that it's just rocks. Man, you gotta update your braincyclopedia.

After I joined IIT Roorkee, I had to adjust a lot. You must have seen Munnabhai MBBS. Just like it was shown in that movie, I wanted to put an AC and a fridge inside my miniature room. Hell, I wanted to break the wall so that the adjoining room could be joined. Alas, the authorities got wind of my activities, and fined me before I could even complete it.

I hate the food here as well. My dad is currently in talks with a businessman here for preparing a bid to bring KFC in this small place. However, there is an issue. Roorkee is very close to Haridwar. Baba Ramdev and his army could attack any day. I have already ordered a coffee machine. It's imported, so it will take a few more days to reach this inaccessible place. Meanwhile, I have to be satisfied with whatever coffee Cafe Coffe Day gives me.

My girlfriend is Katrina Kaif. Okay, you got me. I am kidding. However, she is, at least, what Katrina was at her age. She is a model. A pretty successful one at that. She is not like other models though. She is so well mannered, never flirts with others. And she's so modest, she calls me every time before an intimate photo shoot, and won't do it unless I am present at the set. She is just perfect for me. Currently, she is away to Germany for a Porsche photo shoot.

BTW, I can't handle people who are sarcastic (much like this blogger), if they go out of control, I just un-friend them in Facebook. Saves my posts and pictures at least. I have even disabled messages for the public so that these people can't irritate me by sending me messages asking why I did that! YOLO!

My home is so far away, there are no direct flights as well. My dad could send his private jet, but this gaddamn place doesn't have an airport, or any other place big enough to be used a runaway! Anyways, I could always go to Dehradun, Delhi, Chandigarh, Shimla, Jammu, Jaipur or even, Ahmedabad. I have relatives everywhere.

You know, during my internship in New York, I had a really nice time. Although I had never visited the city before, I explored every square foot of the place. After all, I had a limo and chauffeur (oh, and two personal bodyguards, but hey, let's keep that a secret). I was pretty much bored otherwise.

You know, I am a very good gamer. I have spent 10000 hours in Minesweeper, but failed to complete it even once. That must be a Guinness World Record! Anyways, my favourite game is Purble Place! It's far better than Counter Strike that most idiots play...

In short, I enjoy life. I dance like no one's looking, sing like no one's listening, love like I've never been hurt. If you are ever tired of life, do call me. I would send my Mercedes SLS 500 (although I also have Lamborghinis and Koenigseggs, those are not for every Tom, Dick and Harry!) to pick you up and then, I would show you how to have a good time.

P.S. If you think it is you or someone you know, read the disclaimer again.

P.P.S. See, great minds think alike, so probably the person you think it is about is an idiot as well. Hey, stop reading this. Read the disclaimer again!

P.P.S. If some part of it offends you and you want me to put it down, mail me at

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